Over the last few days, after spending a great deal of time mentally and spiritually unpacking the bomb dropped last weekend about the aforementioned young priest who is taking a leave of absence, it occurred to me that any priest could walk down a similar road without even noticing it until it is too late. I got to thinking about what has kept me from walking down that road. I the last post I stated the three things every priest needs to help keep a sense of opprobrium about himself (Spiritual Director, faithfully praying the Liturgy of the Hours, Brother Priests as friends). I also started thinking about other things that have help keep me from collapsing in on myself over the years, especially around 2002 when things got very difficult because of the scandals surrounding the priesthood in this country. here are a few.
It would be idiotic to believe that any of my stability would be present without the grace and love of God. Although my appreciation of the depth of the Father-Son relationship I am called to have with God is still yet unfolding in greater clarity; I have found the solace of hope that comes from a deep set belief that our Father actually does want what is in our best interest. When things have gotten especially difficult or confusing, I knew that I had to hold on for dear life to faith and to the relationship I have with God. Without that relationship, I simply would not be able to operate in any sensible fashion. It is with great anticipation that I look forward to watching that relationship continue to unfold and deepen.
I have also had the benefit of having great mentors. Over the years, I know I have been blessed to have priests who took a personal interest in me and helped me along, even when I was not aware of it, and set a high standard for me to follow. I think of Fr Fred Barnett who opened the door to me to re-enter the seminary and became my champion when things got difficult. I think of Fr Jim Fuemmler and Fr Manus Daly who stood by me when things did not look like I would make it back in. I think of Msgr. Don Lammers, my pastor at my first assignment, who encouraged me to use the gifts God gave me and let me get my sea legs while remaining just close enough in case I fell. I think of the Spiritual Directors I have been blessed to have over the years who guided me along and challenged me when necessary and walked with me (sometimes carrying me) when life got difficult. All of these men made and continue to make me a better priest and I like to think that Fr Barnett prays earnestly for me from heaven.
I have also been blessed to have wonderful friends who have repeatedly opened their homes and lives to me, treating me as family. Many took me in as I went through internship and seminary and were of great support. Many have been parishioners in my assignments over the years who gave me a place to relax and get away from the day to day of being a pastor. They have watched out for me, challenged me, prayed with me and for me, and have been there through illnesses, deaths, and most especially helping me stay steady during the scandals. I have enjoyed the outings, dinners, and chatting. I think of nights like tonight where we had dinner and just shot the breeze in the back yard talking about all kinds of things.
I think also of the array of priest friends I have. Some of these have been my confidants and have allowed me to do the same for them. Others have extended their friendship and made themselves available for me to tap into their wisdom and insight. Some of them have been just there for us to laugh and blow a little appropriate steam. They have been invaluable over the years and of great comfort and spiritual sustenance. They keep me honest and challenge to me a better person, a better priest, a better man, and a better Catholic.
As I sat with the young men of our diocese who are in the seminary, I thought that I could wish for them nothing greater that having this wide array of support and deep and abiding relationships. I pray that they have and answer the call of grace for a deep relationship with God. I pray that they are able to find wise mentors who will take a interest in their well-being. I pray that they have such a wonderful array of lay and priest friends as I have been blessed with over the years. IF any of those seminarians read this, cultivate such relationships; they will your rock. To those who read this who fit into those above groups (and you know who you are), I offer a deep and heartfelt thank you. May God bless you and I hope for the continual opportunities to return the favor of your friendships. I am very blessed indeed because of the numerous people God has placed in my life and in the numerous people in whose lives I have been placed.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Requiem for A Brother Priest
Yesterday I got the gut wrenching news that a brother priest who had been ordained for only 5 years is taking a year leave of absence for further discernment. I have watched the reaction of others which have spanned from a disappointed sigh to outright anger. I have been bouncing all over the place myself. I'll be fine. I deeply love being a priest and am solid in my decision. Part of that would be based on something that happened the better part of 20 years ago.
In the early 1990's the Diocese of Belleville Illinois was rocked by scandals involving priests who were molesting children and who were unfaithful to their promise of celibacy in other ways. Kenrick Seminary brought in a counselor from St. Luke's in Baltimore to talk about it and hopefully head off the group of seminarians I was a part of from following down the tragic path these priests had (btw, the young man I am talking about IS NOT part of any scandal of any kind). I remember very clearly what this priest had said that were warning signs that a priest is in some kind of trouble and in danger of leaving. I resolved then and there to make sure all three were constantly in check. I imagined that no priest got ordained believing he would end up leaving or do something scandalous. I present those three today and if you are a priest please attend to them. If you are a lay person, ask your pastor or associate whether they are doing these things.
1) Have a spiritual director. Spiritual directors have a wonderful way of keeping a priest humble and honest. I have been deeply grateful to my spiritual director (15 years this year) who has helped me through tough spots, kicked my tuckus when I needed it, and been there to listen. A spiritual director helps keep a priests honest.
2) Have priests friends. We priests are supposed to form a brotherhood of mutual support. This support is not subject to ideological lines, age, seminaries attended, and such. We know the pratfalls, temptations, and trials we go through and can be of great help to each other and can help in holding each other accountable. It is not that laity cannot understand or be our friends, but we know we can't say everything to a lay person that we can say to each other.
3) Pray the Liturgy of the Hours faithfully. Along with Mass, it is the way we offer up prayer for our parishioners everyday. It reminds us that we do not live for ourselves but are called to be the Persona Christi in the world in which we live. They remind us that the spiritual life of the priest is the firm foundation of which all is set. Praying the Liturgy should be a thoughtful action and not something rushed through to get it over with.
Whether the young priest I started about comes back is to be seen. But the time for preventative medicine is gone. I know he was told these things in the follow up to ordination that the diocese does with our new priests. However, we need to be of mutual and sometimes challenging support to one another. So ask. It may not be appreciated, but ask anyway.
To my brother priests: we must not allow a guy to isolate themselves. I know it is easy to get so wrapped up in the assignments to which we given that we might not just notice that something is amiss until it is too late. It would be easier to assume what went wrong, but if we are left to assume, it means when we needed to reach out, we didn't. WE are a brotherhood...not a collection of co-workers. We must be of mutual support to one another. Let us lift this young man and other priests we know who have left the ministry up in prayer. Let us be more watchful for each other, that we are not left to mourn again the lost of a priest to leaves, to scandals, or to apathy.
In the early 1990's the Diocese of Belleville Illinois was rocked by scandals involving priests who were molesting children and who were unfaithful to their promise of celibacy in other ways. Kenrick Seminary brought in a counselor from St. Luke's in Baltimore to talk about it and hopefully head off the group of seminarians I was a part of from following down the tragic path these priests had (btw, the young man I am talking about IS NOT part of any scandal of any kind). I remember very clearly what this priest had said that were warning signs that a priest is in some kind of trouble and in danger of leaving. I resolved then and there to make sure all three were constantly in check. I imagined that no priest got ordained believing he would end up leaving or do something scandalous. I present those three today and if you are a priest please attend to them. If you are a lay person, ask your pastor or associate whether they are doing these things.
1) Have a spiritual director. Spiritual directors have a wonderful way of keeping a priest humble and honest. I have been deeply grateful to my spiritual director (15 years this year) who has helped me through tough spots, kicked my tuckus when I needed it, and been there to listen. A spiritual director helps keep a priests honest.
2) Have priests friends. We priests are supposed to form a brotherhood of mutual support. This support is not subject to ideological lines, age, seminaries attended, and such. We know the pratfalls, temptations, and trials we go through and can be of great help to each other and can help in holding each other accountable. It is not that laity cannot understand or be our friends, but we know we can't say everything to a lay person that we can say to each other.
3) Pray the Liturgy of the Hours faithfully. Along with Mass, it is the way we offer up prayer for our parishioners everyday. It reminds us that we do not live for ourselves but are called to be the Persona Christi in the world in which we live. They remind us that the spiritual life of the priest is the firm foundation of which all is set. Praying the Liturgy should be a thoughtful action and not something rushed through to get it over with.
Whether the young priest I started about comes back is to be seen. But the time for preventative medicine is gone. I know he was told these things in the follow up to ordination that the diocese does with our new priests. However, we need to be of mutual and sometimes challenging support to one another. So ask. It may not be appreciated, but ask anyway.
To my brother priests: we must not allow a guy to isolate themselves. I know it is easy to get so wrapped up in the assignments to which we given that we might not just notice that something is amiss until it is too late. It would be easier to assume what went wrong, but if we are left to assume, it means when we needed to reach out, we didn't. WE are a brotherhood...not a collection of co-workers. We must be of mutual support to one another. Let us lift this young man and other priests we know who have left the ministry up in prayer. Let us be more watchful for each other, that we are not left to mourn again the lost of a priest to leaves, to scandals, or to apathy.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
The Feast of the Transfiguration
We cannot wag our fingers too hard at the disciples though. All too often, we busy the vast majority of our time, energy, and resources building kingdoms for ourselves here and now. We look for ease, wealth, influence, and reputation here and now as if this is all that there is. We build kingdoms bound for destruction, for our death will wipe out any tenuous hold we had on any of these kingdoms. What then? Will we face a true kingdom that we have largely ignored and only mildly prepared for? When we limit our faith to 45-60 minutes a Sunday (when there is nothing else better to do, it is the right time, it is the right priest) and think that this is all we need to do..then perhaps it is time to listen to Jesus. He is not looking for a relationship of convenience, but for a lifelong eternal relationship which influences everything we are. Too many times we see religion as a set of data to be memorized and not as a template for a relationship with God and with one another. WE can get so wrapped up in what we want that we bypass what we need. It is easy to do.
Several years back, I came upon the song "I Surrender All" by Clay Crosse. When I first heard it, it hit me hard. Like everyone else, I struggle with building an earthly kingdom and forgetting about God. I was reminded that I cannot focus on my kingdom and still expect the Kingdom of heaven. My time in this life tells God very clear whose kingdom I am concerned about and to which kingdom I dedicate myself. When I focus on my kingdom, I essentially tell God that my kingdom is better. If I am to expect any true share in heaven, my actions, attitudes, priorities, and focus had better speak to this. Jesus gave us a way of life. He did not do this because He wanted to simply give just another option to follow if it suits us. He did it because this way of life says clearly that I do wish to enter into that eternal relationship with God. So, are you ready to surrender all? Are you willing to stop building a temporary kingdom and start living for a lasting one? Can you hear and follow the words of the Father, "This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased. Listen to Him!"? It is hard to do, I know this. I struggle with it every day. However, it is soemthing God gives us the grace and ability to do.
The Grand Illusion
As I progress through Fr Richards book, he talks about the idea of control. Our want for control is one of the strongest drives we possess. Want for control shows itself in the Garden where Satan tempts Adam and Eve with the idea that eating from the tree will give them control to decide their destiny and morality. If we look at our society and our world, we can see what our want for control leads to: there is no crime, no war, no sin that does not flow from the the want to establish control over others and take for ourselves what is theirs. The 7 deadly sins, born of the power train of control (pride) all are either direct or indirect attacks on others in which we wish to control , posses, and hoard and either prevent or strip away what another has. For all the over reaching for control (and the frustration that comes from finding out just how little we control), which we are told will make us happy, there is an complete lack or want for the one type of control that is not only good and virtuous, but in fact does make us happier and more content: self-control.
I think that the grand illusion is this: that we have the ability to control another person. The best that we can do is intimidate, suppress, or so degrade that the person simple does not fight back. The control of others is a game of manipulation which requires a foundation of condescension. In my pride, I have to believe that what I want and need is superior to the needs of others. Control of others does not seek to instruct or illuminate and leave the option to them to choose; it beats the other into submission or at least silence. The reader will note that in describing control of others that there is no mention of virtue or openness to charity. This is because control of others is devoid of such things. The best that we can do is purpose truth and try to influence the right choice, not because it benefits me, but because it benefits another.
The place where we all can control is what flows from our hearts, minds, souls, mouths, and acts. It is here that we need to exhibit control for the sake of being better people and better Catholics. It is the lack of self control in our own lives that will often drive us to seek control in others. I would presume this to be so because it is easier to try to control another (although fruitless) than it is to control ourselves. Then, how do we control ourselves? It starts with humility.
Humility receives such a bad wrap in our country. It is wrongly believed that humility is self-deprecation. It is not. Humility is honesty about who we are. who God is, and who we are before God. Humility allows me to look into myself and see both my strengths and weaknesses. Humility allows me to see that I did create myself, breathe life into my body, give myself the talents, gifts, and charisms I have (although I do have the task to develop them to the purpose for which they were given). Humility allows me to see that these all were given to me by God with an intent in mind. It reminds me that God gives me the grace to develop these gifts so as to build up others. It reminds where I have failed in such things and am in need in forgiveness before I can progress any further. Sometimes setting things right will be easy, but more often than not it will be very hard.
To give an example: for 20 years I ate much and exercised little. In that time, I put on 145 pounds (going from 165 to 310). I knew that this was a problem but allowed sloth and gluttony to be my way of life anyway. Now to reign in that wages of sin I am permanently changing my attitude towards diet and exercise. It meant I had to radically change my diet. It means that despite the fact that I despise my elliptical and bowflex, I have to use them for more than collecting dust. It will take a lot of effort and self-control. God gives me the grace to do so...I have to use it. I was happy yesterday when I stepped on the scale and now see my weight under 300...it took self-control and effort. If I am to progress further, it will mean much more of the same. This is just one example and I am sure each of us could give a place where we have let self-control fall by the wayside.
Fr Richards make a great point in saying that forward progress starts with humility and confession. It is hard to move forward when we are carrying the weight of the past. God wants to heal our ill advised desire to control everything but ourselves. He wants to take that meddlesome burden from us. He wants to replace it with much lighter yoke of love and humility in its place. We, each one of us, must decide whether we will allow Him to do so or not. WE can either keeping trying for the grand illusion or want what it true and bears positive fruit.
I think that the grand illusion is this: that we have the ability to control another person. The best that we can do is intimidate, suppress, or so degrade that the person simple does not fight back. The control of others is a game of manipulation which requires a foundation of condescension. In my pride, I have to believe that what I want and need is superior to the needs of others. Control of others does not seek to instruct or illuminate and leave the option to them to choose; it beats the other into submission or at least silence. The reader will note that in describing control of others that there is no mention of virtue or openness to charity. This is because control of others is devoid of such things. The best that we can do is purpose truth and try to influence the right choice, not because it benefits me, but because it benefits another.
The place where we all can control is what flows from our hearts, minds, souls, mouths, and acts. It is here that we need to exhibit control for the sake of being better people and better Catholics. It is the lack of self control in our own lives that will often drive us to seek control in others. I would presume this to be so because it is easier to try to control another (although fruitless) than it is to control ourselves. Then, how do we control ourselves? It starts with humility.
Humility receives such a bad wrap in our country. It is wrongly believed that humility is self-deprecation. It is not. Humility is honesty about who we are. who God is, and who we are before God. Humility allows me to look into myself and see both my strengths and weaknesses. Humility allows me to see that I did create myself, breathe life into my body, give myself the talents, gifts, and charisms I have (although I do have the task to develop them to the purpose for which they were given). Humility allows me to see that these all were given to me by God with an intent in mind. It reminds me that God gives me the grace to develop these gifts so as to build up others. It reminds where I have failed in such things and am in need in forgiveness before I can progress any further. Sometimes setting things right will be easy, but more often than not it will be very hard.
To give an example: for 20 years I ate much and exercised little. In that time, I put on 145 pounds (going from 165 to 310). I knew that this was a problem but allowed sloth and gluttony to be my way of life anyway. Now to reign in that wages of sin I am permanently changing my attitude towards diet and exercise. It meant I had to radically change my diet. It means that despite the fact that I despise my elliptical and bowflex, I have to use them for more than collecting dust. It will take a lot of effort and self-control. God gives me the grace to do so...I have to use it. I was happy yesterday when I stepped on the scale and now see my weight under 300...it took self-control and effort. If I am to progress further, it will mean much more of the same. This is just one example and I am sure each of us could give a place where we have let self-control fall by the wayside.
Fr Richards make a great point in saying that forward progress starts with humility and confession. It is hard to move forward when we are carrying the weight of the past. God wants to heal our ill advised desire to control everything but ourselves. He wants to take that meddlesome burden from us. He wants to replace it with much lighter yoke of love and humility in its place. We, each one of us, must decide whether we will allow Him to do so or not. WE can either keeping trying for the grand illusion or want what it true and bears positive fruit.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Imagine my surprise
I am more than a little surprised that I am actually liking this new vegetarian diet and really do not see (right now at least) stopping in a year. I have noticed it takes far less to fill me. I am not hungry so much. The variety is endless and quite tasty. A good friend, Val McGrath, who is supporting me in this and got several cookbooks that are quite full of great recipes: I have been looking at recipes in these books and Val has cooked some of them for me and all of it has been very good. I t looks like this with meld well with my love of cooking and might well mean the vegheads eat well at Camp Maccabee next year. I am already feeling better and have more energy...that might also come from actually sleeping 8 hours a night too :) So far ,so good.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Still unfolding
When I started this blog, it wasn't to have you witness what might well be a lifetime conversion. After reading that passage from Fr. Richards book "Be a Man", I am still dwelling on that simple phrase "Father I am your son!" I have been feeling a bit like the prodigal son a bit, but I would suppose that looking at what was missing and the effect it had can be daunting and haunting. I have noticed one immediate change. I don't mind praying. Troubling to hear a priest say that praying was hard, I would suppose. It was. It was a chore. If prayer is communication with God and God was something distant and at best something I theorhetically should have a relationship with, praying was like shooting words into the ether hoping they landed somewhere. Thankfully, for some reason, this was not my experience in Mass. But it showed in other ways: my reticence to pray the Liturgy of the Hours (especially on my day off), my woeful underuse of the Adoration Chapel my wonderful parish has, my indifference to the rosary, and just how I would generally bounce from one event to the next event without lifting most of those events to God. I know it might be somewhat disturbing for my friends and parishioners to read these things, but I also know I am not the only one who is called to this change of heart.
Upon reflection this morning in the chapel before the Blessed Sacrament, it occurred to me that if A) I am a son of the Father, B) Jesus Christ is THE Son of God, the second person of the Trinity, then C) I am a brother of Christ, and D) since all the baptized can make that claim, every baptized person is in full reality my brother and sister. As if unpacking being a son of the Father wasn't enough, this has flooded in more. I am still sorting this one out, but I know it is going to have ramifications on the kind of friend, sibling, son, pastor, and brother priest I am call to be.
IN my prayer this morning it also occurred to me that once my eyes have been opened to these facts, there is no going back. I am not saying I was a bad person before. But there are so many places where I can stand to allow the grace of God to strengthen me and make me better. Furthermore, I don't want to go back. Realizing that I am a son of the Father is changing so much within me; especially things I have struggled with for years. I am truly interested in seeing what is next. I invite my readers to find these things for themselves. If I am a son of the Father, so then are you a son or daughter of the Father. That makes us brothers or brother and sister. This changes everything.
Upon reflection this morning in the chapel before the Blessed Sacrament, it occurred to me that if A) I am a son of the Father, B) Jesus Christ is THE Son of God, the second person of the Trinity, then C) I am a brother of Christ, and D) since all the baptized can make that claim, every baptized person is in full reality my brother and sister. As if unpacking being a son of the Father wasn't enough, this has flooded in more. I am still sorting this one out, but I know it is going to have ramifications on the kind of friend, sibling, son, pastor, and brother priest I am call to be.
IN my prayer this morning it also occurred to me that once my eyes have been opened to these facts, there is no going back. I am not saying I was a bad person before. But there are so many places where I can stand to allow the grace of God to strengthen me and make me better. Furthermore, I don't want to go back. Realizing that I am a son of the Father is changing so much within me; especially things I have struggled with for years. I am truly interested in seeing what is next. I invite my readers to find these things for themselves. If I am a son of the Father, so then are you a son or daughter of the Father. That makes us brothers or brother and sister. This changes everything.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Be a man!
Since I finished Camp Maccabee this last week, I have been reading a book by FR Larry Richards called "Be a Man", a book that Fr Joe Corel, the diocesan vocation director, gave to male campers and attendees on both Camp Maccabee and Christpower. I cannot recommend enough that those who received this gift actually read it. I also recommend to any young man who has not got it to go out and get it.
This book has been hitting me hard. I have been a priest now for 14 years. I returned to my Catholic faith almost 20 years ago. I have dwelt on the subject of Catholic masculinity for almost 5 years. My homilies have been peppered for 15 years that God wants a relationship with each and every one of us. I have repeatedly pointed pointed out that it is a familial relationship that God desires. I knew the right vocabulary. I knew the rights concepts. However, it has struck me that I have been circling the airport for decades on not landing the plane. What has struck me to this conclusion is a passage from the above mentioned book. IN it he describes a horrific nightmare he is having. The nightmare doesn't end till he professes "Father, I am your son!" He isn't saying anything that is new, he is saying something that he now understands on a a deeper level.
It seems in the all of the times I have prayed, that this little nugget escaped me. It isn't that I didn't know it as a piece of information (or know about it). it was that I didn't know it. This little phrase has stuck in my head since I read it and refuses to leave.
So many times, especially in dealing with young men, I have seen a deep isolation they experience from God on a relational level. Some bravely go through the motions and attend Mass and try to be a good person, but struggle with why God seems so far away. It is easy for them to gradually wander away altogether. The topic of the divine only comes up when they struggle with a tragedy or try to make sense of the world around them. So many times they will fill that empty spot with things that will numb them to that emptiness: promiscuity, alcohol, reckless behavior, narcotics, endless electronic diversions. These side tracks only numb for a while. Prayer, when they try it, seems an exercise in futility. God is as distant as the farthest star.
I wonder how that changes when we take to heart that little phrase, "Father, I am your son!". I can hear God saying, "Well, it is about time!" I am still processing everything going on in me right now, but I feel that it is possible that God is going from a business that I was in (and probably really good at) to a relationship that I share with others. Right now, I would love every guy out there, every young man who feels isolated in life and with God, to have even a fraction of what is flooding my head and heart right now! I know I will blog more about this and this book. But this little phrase is serving as one of those epiphany moments. I invite every man that reads this to reflect on those words "Father, I am your son!"...I will be praying that it hits you like it is hitting me.
This book has been hitting me hard. I have been a priest now for 14 years. I returned to my Catholic faith almost 20 years ago. I have dwelt on the subject of Catholic masculinity for almost 5 years. My homilies have been peppered for 15 years that God wants a relationship with each and every one of us. I have repeatedly pointed pointed out that it is a familial relationship that God desires. I knew the right vocabulary. I knew the rights concepts. However, it has struck me that I have been circling the airport for decades on not landing the plane. What has struck me to this conclusion is a passage from the above mentioned book. IN it he describes a horrific nightmare he is having. The nightmare doesn't end till he professes "Father, I am your son!" He isn't saying anything that is new, he is saying something that he now understands on a a deeper level.
It seems in the all of the times I have prayed, that this little nugget escaped me. It isn't that I didn't know it as a piece of information (or know about it). it was that I didn't know it. This little phrase has stuck in my head since I read it and refuses to leave.
So many times, especially in dealing with young men, I have seen a deep isolation they experience from God on a relational level. Some bravely go through the motions and attend Mass and try to be a good person, but struggle with why God seems so far away. It is easy for them to gradually wander away altogether. The topic of the divine only comes up when they struggle with a tragedy or try to make sense of the world around them. So many times they will fill that empty spot with things that will numb them to that emptiness: promiscuity, alcohol, reckless behavior, narcotics, endless electronic diversions. These side tracks only numb for a while. Prayer, when they try it, seems an exercise in futility. God is as distant as the farthest star.
I wonder how that changes when we take to heart that little phrase, "Father, I am your son!". I can hear God saying, "Well, it is about time!" I am still processing everything going on in me right now, but I feel that it is possible that God is going from a business that I was in (and probably really good at) to a relationship that I share with others. Right now, I would love every guy out there, every young man who feels isolated in life and with God, to have even a fraction of what is flooding my head and heart right now! I know I will blog more about this and this book. But this little phrase is serving as one of those epiphany moments. I invite every man that reads this to reflect on those words "Father, I am your son!"...I will be praying that it hits you like it is hitting me.
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