Everything I Thought I Knew, I Didn't: Reflections on 15 Years of Priesthood

Today I celebrate 15 years of ordination.  I am celebrating it!  As I look back on the last 15 years of being a Catholic priest, I look at one heck of a journey.  There have been extraordinary highs and gut wrenching lows.  The seminary did the best it could to prepare me with a base of knowledge, spirituality, and human formation to help me meet the road as it unfolded over the years. To be honest, I came out of the seminary all wild eyed and ready to proclaim, serve, and restore.  I came in with a profound ( or so I thought at the time) desire to serve.  I thought I knew it all and what the people wanted.  I thought. It is not that I was horribly wrong or off base, it is just that I had no idea of the magnitude  of what lay ahead.  Thankfully, God has always moved my heart to engage Him and His people and to keep trying to adapt without losing anything of a true Catholic priestly identity.  That openness has lead to a wealth of epiphany moments.  I wish to share some of the bigger ones.

1: What I actually know about God, faith, and Catholicism is little.  It is not through lack of trying.  I am a rather well read person who always believes there is always more that I can and need to learn.  Content wise, I probably do know more than the average person, but is like being a scientist, the more you study the more we know how little we know.  It is a given that we simply cannot come to know everything about God; we struggle with just the tidbit He gives us through Divine Revelation. 15 years of preaching on the Scriptures almost everyday and I still am amazed at how many layers there are and how much more there is just on the surface.  15 years and I have yet to grow tired of preaching and studying the Scriptures because it is like a multi-faceted gem with an infinite numbers of sides; each begging to be examined and integrated.  The depths and power of faith, I have come to find out, will go as deep as we allow them. Because it is based in God, the experience of faith and grace is boundless.  The more I experience, the more I know that is still left unexamined.  The depths of the theology, philosophy, logic, and wisdom present in Church teachings is profound.  Some of the greatest minds of history help in reflecting upon Christ and what the Christ event fully means.  I am a smart guy, but I am not St. Augustine, St. Thomas Aquinas, St. John Chrysostom, or any of the other great minds that have populated our teaching landscape.  I read the writings of the great Fathers and mystics and realize just how little I know.  I like to think that my desire to keep knowing and delving deeper into the mysteries of the faith is pleasing to God.  It is a lifetime endeavor.  It is a perpetual challenge.

2: The People of God don't need another Savior.  We already have one.  The Catholic Church existed long before I became a priest and will be here long after I depart from this life. My role is to point to THE Savior.  I have found out that this is far from easy.  It is more than using the right sequence of words, it is by living a correct example.  That is difficult for me.  I think the easiest trap for any cleric to fall into is that trap of hypocrisy.  It is easy to preach love, mercy, forgiveness, patience, love of God and love of neighbor; it is much harder to live, especially knowing that my parishioners have the right to be able to see me living that example.  It has meant that I have had to wildly reign in my temper, a temper that has gotten me into much trouble.  The first time I lost my patience with a parishioner, it hit me after I was done of the potentially devastating effect of the Roman Collar.  I became aware that when I lost my patience, it just wasn't me as a person, but it came across as the entirety of the Roman catholic Church, if not Christ Himself, coming down on the person.  I shudder to think how many people I might well have driven away, how many vocations I might have crushed, how many good souls were rightfully scandalized.  I look back at those 2 or 3 incidents and still feel deep regret and sorrow.  As I have grown, my temperament has settled and my anger is usually saved for people who cut me off in traffic (and yes, I know I must work on that as well).

3: I am called 'Father' for a reason.  This realization has grown so much stronger over the past few years.  When we started Camp Maccabee some years back, it was with the understanding that all the same things needed to be a good dad and husband were also needed to be a good priest.  Archbishop Flynn told me that in a one on one conference during a retreat my 1st year in theology.  that conversation was probably one of the most significant of my life.  It took me almost 20 years to unpack that.  My role in a parish is that of a father.  It is my duty to provide from the wealth of our faith and to lead others into a deeper relationship with the God who entrusted me with their care.  The same can be said of dads and their children.  It is my duty to nurture and maintain union built upon stewardship and selflessness, so that each member of the parish knows they are loved, wanted, and needed as part of this parish family.  I use the term 'parish family' not in some sappy sense of forced fellowship of people who would otherwise have no connection, but in the same dynamic that Christ did when He used  familial terms to describe the relationship He has with us, we have with the Father, and that we have with each other.  It is not my job to dominate.  It seems it would  be easier if I tried that, but I know it would undo everything and drive off wide swaths of the family entrusted to my pastoral care.  It is a constant source for internal dialogue and external whining.  I know that I am far from being that ideal father.

4: The people don't need to know what I think, they need to know the truth.  So many times people have been confused because clerics have come down like Moses from Mt Sinai with their own slant or opinion on the teachings of the Church.  It creates great confusion and invites division.  My opinion saves no one.  My opinion is not synonymous with Divine Revelation.  My opinion can dilute the Gospel.  I will be held responsible for that.  I am well aware of that.  In fact, it frightens me.  One of my pet peeves is being lied to because when I am lied to, I can not make reasonable or correct decisions; it is hard to build decisions on a lie.  If I dilute the Gospel, I present a deceit and force other people who may not know better to build decisions on those deceits.  The reason I read so much is because I want to be as sure as I can that I am presenting the truth and giving those entrusted to my care a solid foundation.  Sometimes the truth can be challenging and provoking. In fact, the vast majority of the time it is.  The truth always provokes us to a deeper and greater relationship with God and with one another.  The truth challenges our bad habits and favorite sins.  I cannot tell people a deceit in hopes of not hurting their feelings,  or not making them angry with me, or in hopes of not losing money in the collection.  It is hard and the temptation to take the easy road and say what people want to hear (or what I want to hear) it ever-present.

5:  I wouldn't give this up for anything.  Even in the incredibly dark days of 2002 when the sex scandals broke and priests that I not only knew, but admired as well, I had no intention of leaving.  There were days when I was weary.  There still are.  There are still days of great frustration, but isn't that true for everyone? However, those days are greatly outnumbered by the great days, the powerful days, and the truly spiritual days.  The schedule can be grueling.  Being constantly in an unwanted spotlight is aggravating at times. I still get nervous preaching and teaching.  I still feel somewhat inadequate in some of my pastoral duties.  I am okay with that in that I have only been doing this for 15 years.  I know that I am far from the perfect priest and perfect pastor; I still have much to learn and much to grow.  I am not a finished product.  That said, I can say I have tried my best most of the time.  I sincerely hope that as time passes that I will progress deeper and become a better pastor.  Despite every struggle that I have faced, am facing, and will face, I love the challenge that being a priest in this society.  I love that I have to keep my own weaknesses in check with God's grace.  I love that I have learned much and still have much to learn.  I love that there will be never a reason for me to grow cold or apathetic.  I am interested in what the next 15 years bring, what I will learn, how I will develop, and how I can better be what God has called and created me to be.    I am okay with the fact that I will never grow wealthy by earthly standards.  I am okay with the fact that this society will probably never respect me.  I am okay with knowing that if I am a good priest there will be much sacrifice that lays ahead.  I look forward to the future and I am happy in the present.  the best thing that I have learned is that God is ever generous with His grace and mercy with anyone who willing to at least try to rise to the challenge of the Gospel.  Here's to many more years of learning. growing, and deepening.

A True Legacy for our Youth

A few days back I saw the following posting on Facebook, which I reposted, and have thought a great deal about consequently: " We need to teach our daughters how to distinguish between a man who flatters her and a man who compliments her .... a man who spends money on her and a man who invests in her .... a man who views her as property and a man who views her properly ..... a man who lusts after her and a man who loves her ..... a man who believes he is God's gift to women and a man who remembers a woman was God's gift to man.....And we need to teach our boys to be THAT man.”  It captured a pre-occupation that I have had for several years now.  We live in a society that teaches our young men that women are something to be manipulated into sexual activity, dominated in life, and discarded when it is no fun anymore.  It has started teaching young women the same thing about how to treat young men.  Furthermore, it teaches women that they merely have to settle for the best that they can hope to get and, if anything, treat their boyfriend or spouse to be as a reclamation project, the human equivalent of a fixer-upper.  I have rarely seen this end well.  As I have told young couples in marriage preparation, “Marriage is not a magic wand that makes all the deficiencies of your future spouse evaporate into the ether.”    By the same token, a man who would not make a good husband will not make a good priest either.
    Our children get swamped with the negative messages about human relationships and sexuality.  The way to reverse the damage is a two pronged approach: to point out and limit their diet of a poisoned message and replace it with a healthy life giving message.  Our parish and our families must act in union with each other to accomplish this.
    On the parish level, we are doing the following.  As all our 9th graders are boys this year, we are using the book, “Be a Man” by Fr. Larry Richards as the text for their education this year.  The book is a great study on what being a Catholic man is about and how being a Catholic man directly effects everything, including how we, as men, treat and view women.  It encourages an embrace of manly virtue and a courageous and selfless lifestyle.  With our confirmation students, we are using Theology of the Body for Teens with Chris Everet to talk about the same issues in a way that they understand that their being a good Catholic reflects in every avenue of their life.   We gave the parents the parents’ handbook so that they may follow up what we do in class.   I cannot encourage this enough.  I am contemplating getting the Theology of the Body for Jr. High, so that we may be able to begin this positive life affirming message earlier.  If anyone would like to help pay for the program, which would be several hundred dollars, and help buy a copy of it for the parish library. I would greatly appreciate it.  The Theology of the Body for Teens is already in the parish library and is frequently out.  Each have a 10-12 lessons set of DVDs, parents guides, and workbook for the youth.  I started using the Theology of the Body for Marriage as the primary tool for our engaged couples.  I really believe that this positive message paired with what I have been saying from the pulpit will hopefully at least provide a lot of seed which we hope will take root.
    On the diocesan level, we began summer camps for our young men and women (camps Maccabee and Siena, respectively) to help our youth understand what it means to be a young Catholic woman or man.  The topic is often brought up in our youth rallies and Confirmation Reflection Days. We believe, as a diocese, that every cent invested in our diocesan youth is a cent invested in the well being of our youth and their futures.  The well being of their future directly effects all of us as these youth will provide the next generation of priestly, religious, and lay leaders.  Giving them all that we can to promote a healthy self-identity and a healthy way of treating one another only bodes well for our collective futures.
    As I alluded to earlier, parents must be partners with the Church in this.  When your children were baptized, you vocally accepted the responsibility of bringing them  in the ways of the faith.  This is more than giving them a set of data to memorize, but instructing them in a relationship based in the love of God and neighbor.  Parents should be and can be the most effective teachers in their children in the ways of the faith.  What is provided in the home will be one of the primary nourishments of our youth.  This means several things.  First, I would assume no loving parent would purposely feed their children poison, even if that poison tasted good.  Poison is poison regardless of the way it tastes. We have to monitor what our children ingest in this culture as most of it is poisonous.  For example, I can think of two shows off the top of my head that are or were very popular: Two and Half Men and Sex and the City, both built on the premise that the opposite sex is something to be manipulated, used, and dumped at will.  So many shows on TV have the same message as do many of our movies.  The same message is dominant in music, regardless of the genre.  A steady diet of these things does have an effect on our youth in showing them what the world considers normative behavior.  It can be no surprise that our youth will act out on these premises and find out that the consequences of that acting out cannot be wrapped up quickly and without lifelong harm.  I know it is not popular, but parents must be as vigilant with what their children entertain themselves with as much as they would with what their child eats.  Poison should be recognized for what it is and dealt with accordingly.
    Along these lines, we should make sure that our youth are warned about the great scourge that is pornography.  Pornography, by its very nature, teaches to reduce another human being to a thing for self-satisfaction.  It is a cancer.  Because of the internet, it is also all too readily available.  Pornography isn’t bad because the human body is something ugly and sinful, it is wrong because the human body is good and beautiful; pornography debases that beauty, robs the dignity of another (even if they are offering up that dignity), and teaches the person to turn themselves and others into nothing more than a means of pleasure.  It is a devastating lesson that has horrible long term results.  Parents should treat porn with the ferocity they would treat a criminal trying to break into their home to harm their children.  Porn can have no harbor in any Catholic home!  I know they may not like it, but monitor what your child sees on the internet.  There are far too many wolves more than happy to expose your children to truly awful things.
    What we teach our children is the legacy they will pass on to their children.  We should want what is best for them and protect them from what would harm them.  Let us work together towards this common good so that we raise godly young men and women.  No woman or man should have to settle for anything less that the dignity that God has created them to experience.   Let us protect that dignity and raise our youth to do the same.

Same Base, Different Building: Priest, Husband, Dad

18 years ago next week, I re-entered the seminary.  I say re-enter because I had left twice before, the 2nd of those two times I left in such anger that I swore I would never enter the grounds of a seminary in my life again.  I really need to watch my use of absolutes.  My re-entrance was less than spectacular; an act of reluctance and hoping once and for all that someone would tell me that priesthood was not my calling.  After a semester in which I piled on damage upon myself, I went home for Christmas break and ran into my ex who informed me that we could pick up where we left off; she was a wonderful young lady whom I could see myself marrying and fathering a large family with.  When I left for St Louis again it was to pack up and come back to New York.  I knew in my heart that what I was doing was selfish and coming from a reluctance to commit.  But at the heart of that reluctance was a very deep question: Why would I feel so drawn to marriage and family life yet also feel called to the priesthood?  They seemed mutually exclusive terms.  The retreat was immediately after Christmas break and out of my generosity to God (I'm kidding) I gave Him the retreat as an opportunity to convince me to stay.  Archbishop Harry Flynn (then the Bishop of Lake Charles [or was it Lafayette] in Louisiana..later Archbishop of St Paul) gave the retreat.  He was a former seminary rector of Mt St Mary in Emmitsburg MD.  He was awesome.  During one of his conferences, he offered opportunity for 1 on 1 meetings.  I took him up on the invitation.  My question was simple:  How could I feel such a draw to the priesthood and marriage at the same time?  His answer was simple and has taken me years to fully understand: "If you would not make a good husband or dad, you will not make a good priest.  It is the same foundation, different building." This response, by the way, would give birth to what would become Camp Maccabee.

Archbishop Flynn was absolutely right.  I have come to appreciate that in greater ways as I continue to mature in the priesthood of Jesus Christ.  The same foundation consists of (and this is not an exhaustive list) the following: an ability to commit to something other than oneself, the courage to stand up for what is good and right and protect against what is not, the ability to stand one's ground, the ability to put those placed in your care first, the willingness to sacrifice and even suffer for those placed in your care, the ability to be a man of God and a man of prayer, the ability to provide what is good, and the willingness to give example by word and deed.  Although these traits are not exclusively masculine, no man can be a man at all without them.

In marriage preparation, I remind couples that when they commit themselves to each other in marriage, they are from that point putting the other first.  Jobs and careers, money and power, prestige and reputation, friends, extended family and even children come after their commitment to each other.  That primary bond influences and enriches all their other relationships.  After God, the relationship of their mutual bond as husband and wife comes first.  For my life as a priest, the same is true.  After God, my full commitment and duty is bound to the People of God and the Catholic Church.  My commitment to them must come first at all times.  As much as a husband and wife are called to profoundly self give for the sake of the other, so I as a priest am called to give myself totally for the good of the Church.  As a priest that means that ministry always comes first.  As a pastor, that means those placed under my pastoral care have the full right to attention, charity, sacramental ministry, and instruction.  That extends to other duties to which I am assigned.  It is as bad for a priest to see pastoral ministry as a burden as it is for a husband to see his wife as 'the old ball and chain'.  A man who lives for himself and his needs is no more suited for priesthood than he is for marriage!

There is a reason why parishioners call their priests 'Father'.  It is a term acknowledging the responsibility that this man has within the parish.  A good father provides what is good and true for their children.  He protects them from what would harm them.  He realizes that he is not his child's buddy, but his dad, which means he will have to challenge behavior, correct behavior, but provide an righteous alternative as well.  A good dad is interested in making his children into good men and women who will have a solid foundation  for life.  He looks out for the spiritual, physical, and mental well being.  He provides, with his wife, a rock solid foundation for his children to grow into outstanding adults.  everything I have just said about a dad applies fully to a priest.  I have to be as vigilant and wise with my parishioners as a good dad is with his children.  Both of us get the ability to do this from the same source: the grace of God. This grace gives us the base to be the Person of Christ within our respective calls.  Neither a dad nor a priest is called to be an overlord; children are not the dad's serfs, parishioners are not the pastor's serfs.

There is such a need for both good husbands/dads and good priests.  In our commitment phobic society, it is getting harder to find either.  A lack of commitment is usually a very nasty sign of a present reality within oneself, the trait of selfishness.  For men (or women for that matter as well) selfishness shows a profound lack of maturity.  Boys are selfish...men are not.  Men look beyond themselves to the need of others...boys don't.  There are a lot of a lot of chronologically older men who are still boys.  They cannot commit and will abandon the commitments they make when they become challenging or difficult.  We need better.

Camp Maccabee was formed to address these things while the young men were still young.  It was formed to give them the tools to help guide them from the destructive selfishness of boyhood into the selfless bravery of manhood.  We speak of honor, respect, self-control, and holiness as the keys for a firm foundation regardless of the particular vocation to which they may be called.  Why?  The same foundation is needed either way.  Those four traits must be driven into young men by their parents as well...especially sons from their dads.  If we are to look into the future with any sense of hope about the state of the Church and the state of the married life, it will come from our cooperating with the grace of God and helping our young men to be men...not boys of this world but men of God.

Imagine my surprise

I am more than a little surprised that I am actually liking this new vegetarian diet and really do not see (right now at least) stopping in a year.  I have noticed it takes far less to fill me.  I am not hungry so much.  The variety is endless and quite tasty.  A good friend, Val McGrath, who is supporting me in this and got several cookbooks that are quite full of great recipes:   I have been looking at recipes in these books and Val has cooked some of them for me and all of it has been very good.  I t looks like this with meld well with my love of cooking and might well mean the vegheads eat well at Camp Maccabee next year.  I am already feeling better and have more energy...that might also come from actually sleeping 8 hours a night too :)  So far ,so good.

A Happy Kind of Tired

This last week, I and 12 campers and 10 other staff took off for the far corner of the Diocese of Jefferson City down in Hickory County for the 3rd annual Camp Maccabee.  This camp was founded to instill a strong sense of Catholic masculinity in our future generations.  In the back of my mind, for years, has been a question that has stemmed from priestly ministry: how do we prepare our youth for being a Catholic adult in a world that is quite content to keep them children?  Now, I know nothing about being a woman...but being a man in this world, that I know a bit about.  On a chance, I was driving with Fr Dave Veit down in the Steeleville area of Missouri and we got to talking about camps and he mentioned there was this rustic resort, Eaglehurst Ranch, run by Catholics and with a Catholic ethos about it and we got to talking about wouldn't it be great to have a camp there to center on Catholic Masculinity.  WE talked to Fr Joe Corel, vocation director of the diocese and the unnamed camp was born.

The camp's name was important.  It sets the tone.  I scanned my memory for men who exhibited great virtue and strength in the face of incredible odds.  I remembered the story from the Old Testament of Judas Maccabeus.  Judas' father, Matthias, has started the Hasmonean Revolt against the Greeks who were looking to completely destroy any and all foreign cultures within the empire, including Judaism.  Judas became the revolt's greatest and first general who not just fought the Greek armies but recaptured Jerusalem and fixed up the temple after it had been desecrated.  In my mind, I saw our secular society as much against both our Catholic Identity and against classical masculinity.  I was seeing this in wedding preparations with overgrown boys and the women who were settling for them, in annulment proceedings where the couple found out the wedding wasn't a magic wand that made immaturity disappear,  and it seminary recruitment and seeing just the overall lack of maturity.  Something had to change and our young men needed a way to understand the call God gives us as men.  The name Camp Maccabee and its mission were fully born.

Both Fr Joe and I had read John Eldridge's books (Wild at Heart) and thought that we could surely give it a Catholic flavor and run with its themes.  IN the first two years we focused on the 4 cardinal virtues.  This year we focused on honor, respect, self-control and holiness as the essential traits of a good Catholic man.  The days were to be filled with outdoor activities and the nights with a retreat aspect.  The campers go to Mass, the summit of our grace and strength, every day.  We pray the Liturgy of the Hours (Morning and Evening Prayer, Compline).  They have a holy hour in adoration before the Blessed Sacrament with Confessions available.  They learn that to be a true man is to be a man of God and a man of prayer. 

I have just returned from our third summer of this camp.  It was awesome.  WE changed the venues.  The young men went on a float trip, learned to tie flies and fly fish, went to Camp Windmere ( a Baptist Camp that is awesome...why can't we have something like that?) and did exercises in trust and zip-lining.  They heard talks on the four above mentioned topics and also on Christian Courtship and Theology of the Body.  The staff and campers bonded well; all in all a great experience.  But as we were out in 100+ degree heat at times, it is a bit exhausting.  Today I am feeling that happy kind of tired; the kind that comes from seeing God's Spirit powerfully in play and allowing myself to be challenged by the talks as well.  I am already looking forward to next year!